Obama Health Plan Boosts Multi-Member Adoptions

Paris, Texas-- Martha and Donald Jacobson have patiently waited five years to adopt a child. Now thanks to Obama's universal health care plan, their family is finally about to grow. "Originally we were only going to adopt one child," Donald told reporters on Monday after holding a yard sale to clear space and generate cash. "But the President's new health plan was the final push we needed to take the father, mother, and three siblings too."

Though the health care reform doesn't specifically address domestic or international adoption, the Jacobsons were able to read between the lines. "I find it hard to believe that Obama wants us to consider the well being of strangers before our own families," Martha explained as she put the good jewelery in a shoebox under the bed. "He just wants us to treat strangers as part of our families, and that's what we're doing."

"It seemed like the right thing to do," Don said while puffing an 'It's a Family' novelty cigar. "I mean, we're already going to pay for all of their health coverage. Why not welcome them as official Jacobsons?"

After waiting an additional week for the guardianship paperwork to clear, Don and Martha are both very excited to learn about their new dependents. "We know that free medical care is important to them. But what kind of hobbies and interests do they have?"

An English teacher at Marland Middle School, Don Jacobson has long dreamed of starting his own family. Because he and his wife were unable to conceive naturally, the road to becoming parents has been a long and emotional one. "Martha and I visited many fertility clinics with no success. It was a really tough time for us."

In the last six years Don and Martha have spent over $85,000 on experimental techniques and procedures. "Thank God we have such great health coverage. But we realize now it would have been easier to just give the money to another needy family instead of starting our own. We were selfish." By formally adopting the Johanasons, Martha and Don are about to pen a new chapter in their lives. "It's gonna be a change being the parents of two adults and three kids. I'm sure we'll fight over the TV remote or who gets the car Saturday nights."

"I'm a little more concerned about the car coming back than the remote," added Don.

Their decision coincides with Earth Day and Obama's focus on making real changes to conserve the environment. "This new administration is all about going green," Martha explained while denting cans in the grocery store. "Why start a new family when you can recycle? It's about conserving paychecks too-- if two or three families can get by on one paycheck, why ask for more?"

"See? She's a natural mom," added Don. "Having a baby means spending a lot more time at home. We're used to not going to the movies and putting pocket change into our rainy day savings. So it won't be so different now that we can't afford to see movies. Everyday is gonna be a rainy day."

Don and Martha were cleared to adopt Sarah, their new baby girl, days after the health care reform passed. The child's parents could no longer provide for their daughter and wanted a better life for her. Little did they know everything was about to change for the better. "They don't really have any money or possessions," said Don. "But what's family if not people you give money to and never get back?"

"We've been saving for a long time so that we could provide for our baby," Martha explained while setting up additional cots in the nursery. "At first I had my doubts financially. But If the government thinks we have enough money to support ourselves and 47 million uninsured Americans, what's five more?"

Financial estimates show the Jacobsons will most likely be left below the poverty line within three years. However, the faces of their new loved ones give them hope and support. "Now we feel even more connected to the millions of other people under that line. They're also our family."

"No, we don't use the term family loosely," Don added. "And yes, we're registered Democrats."

Like all parents, the Jacobsons hope to one day retire and get taken care of by their kids. However, this dream will be very difficult to accomplish since the Johanasons are twenty years their seniors. But if things turn out for the worst, the excited couple have a backup plan. "We'll probably put ourselves up for adoption," Don explained. "I'm sure the Federal government will adopt us."

Discovery: Graham's Telephone Leaked After Prototype Left in Tavern

New Haven, CT - Newly discovered periodical reveals Graham's telephone was leaked to the public a full six months before its actual release date in April, 1876.

The source of this finding is an incredibly well preserved newspaper that was unearthed last Tuesday by archaeologists from Fairfield University. Dr. Ralph Enterlin, head of the excavation team, examined the document and confirmed its legitimacy.

"What we have here is indisputable proof that Alexander Graham Bell slipped up," Enterlin stated over a phone interview from his lab. "Who would have imagined that the world's most influential communication device had at one point been carelessly left behind by Bell's drunken assistant?"

The article indicates that Thomas Watson left the prototype behind at Finnegan's Tavern on March 13th, 1876 after the first telephone exchange had been a success. "It was definitely a major achievement worth celebrating," Enterlin explained. "Watson was most likely shit-faced by the end of the night. We have reason to assume he accidentally forgot to slip the 15 pound device back into his coat pocket before paying his tab."

William Adams, a regular tavern patron and pig farmer, found the device after Watson hailed a horse and buggy home. He assumed it to be a sausage grinder. After several failed attempts at grinding sausage, Adams gave the instrument a closer look and discovered it was not a sausage grinder at all.

"I had enjoyed quite a few alcoholic beverages prior to finding Graham's telephone," the periodical indicates Adams told reporters. "But when I found the number 2 written on the doodad's side, I whimsically opted to rotate the dial to the number 1. What fun! At that point, a voice answered and spoke, 'Watson. Come here. I want you.' I was flabbergasted!"

"I'm not that much of a tech person," Adams went on to explain. "So I immediately tried to smash the device as an abomination against God." According to the record, several men held Adams back while he cursed and threw bottles at the telephone. "I was in a frenzy, but several minutes later I knew I had to have one."

Thomas Rockwell, technology reporter and candlestick maker, had the pleasure of investigating Graham's invention before it was returned to Bell's study the following morning. "It was the dead of night when I heard quite a clamor upon my doorstep. I had recently finished my review of Melville Bissell's Carpet Sweeper and thought nothing could boggle thy mind as much as that machine when this new invention crossed my desk."

After investigating the invention, Rockwell recorded several notes in his journal on the telephone's structure and possible applications. "It truly is a work of genius far beyond anything we as a society have ever created nor imagined," he confidently stated. "But for some reason I was quite disappointed to learn that the phone did not have a built in camera--a delightful device invented a few days prior."

Although Graham's design lacked a flash bulb or lens, the telephone did feature both the ability to make calls in addition to receive calls. "The electrical speech machine will revolutionize how we use speech machines--which up until this point have not existed."

This discovery challenges many accepted beliefs about the pioneering of the world's first vocal communication device. "Normally Graham was very secretive about his work," Enterlin explained. "Whether or not he purposefully revealed his findings early remains unclear. What we do know is that nobody was buying Morse Code machines after that."

"Which really pissed off Morse," Enterlin added. Alexander Graham Bell was gracious to receive his invention back. He did, however, refuse to make any comments before first building an additional telephone to call his lawyer.

"Jobs" Added to Endangered Species List

Washington, DC -- As employment rates continue to plummet, the Senate took immediate action this morning to preserve the remaining Jobs by adding them to the Federal Endangered Species Act.

By offering Managerial Positions the same protective rights as those granted to the Sperm Whale or Spanish Lynx, the Senate hopes to preserve job opportunities for future generations.

"Twenty years ago the job field was plentiful," New Hampshire Senator Jack Johnson stated at Grover Cleveland Elementary School's Career Day. Johnson explained to his Nephew's third grade class how under the agreement, the Senate will retract all privileges by employers to receive resumes or hold interviews. "We're gonna stop all hiring for ten years in hopes that the number of jobs will repopulate itself over time. That's the wonderful thing about this planet-- all of its resources are renewable."

Though the decision is a step in the right direction, it is unclear exactly what's causing the rapid drop in gainful employment opportunities. Career aptitude engineer Dr. Robert Edens fears the government's actions ignore the true problem facing the job population. "We've been trying for years to preserve the number of available jobs by increasing the standards for applicants," the doctor explained while updating his eBay store. "First a candidate had to have a high school diploma. Then a college degree was required."

"There are also less obvious government restrictions,"Dr. Eden added, "Like having to be a white male." In the past two decades, the majority of companies releasing new positions into the market have requested a resume of related experiences. Many ask perspective candidates to fulfill a background check. "It's all about making it seem like too much work to find work."

But it's not about too many applicants anymore. Reports indicate that even with hunting restrictions placed on the unemployed, there's a strong chance that the number of available jobs will not rise. The inconvenient truth is that there just aren't enough jobs available for people to go hunting whenever they get laid off. Most will have to resort to part-time or even volunteer work during what used to be open season.

The general concern is that many employers don't understand how to protect the population of jobs out there. During layoffs, companies fire as many people as necessary to conserve budgets. Instead of letting the jobs mature and attract resumes, they pass the responsibilities on to another department. This causes bloated, unnatural positions to contaminate the job market. The average job has a lifespan of three years, National Geographic Magazine reports. Around that point, the employee is fired and the position is terminated all together.

"The way it used to be is that the number of necessary jobs would increase as companies grew. But nowadays corporations just buy each other instead of branching out and expanding," Dr. Eden added. "This type of incestuous coupling results in no practical career offspring."

Originally it was speculated to be the headhunters' fault since these predators spend all of their time trying to fill positions as soon as they open. Though they are caught poaching outside of office buildings and hanging around job fairs, their role in the crisis is actually very minimal. The truth behind the recent drop in jobs isn't that they're getting taken too quickly. It's because the jobs themselves are disappearing.

"It's similar to how America's honeybees are mysteriously vanishing," says Dr. Eden. "Except people care."

Still, the decision on how to preserve the job market remains heated. Michigan Senator Robert Wise supported the Act, but feels there's an even greater need for stricter control over career development. "Sure, it's important to produce great lines of work on our soil," he explained to freelance reporters. "But we can't stop selling our jobs to other countries. 'Employment' is America's national crop. It's our primary export."

The Senator urged Americans to show restraint when looking for new work. "If you've had a job in the last ten years, then you've had your fair share. We've made it nearly impossible to come out of retirement by increasing technology well above the heads of anyone over 40. And as for young adults, there was a time when fathers would hire sons and pass the companies down to them. I say less sons and more corporate buyouts."

Even with support from the Senate, the decision to outlaw hiring will not go over well with the millions of Americans desperately looking for employment. "I can't provide for my family without a job," says recently laid off Bostonian Mike Collins. "My resume and cover letter used to guarantee me a license to go job hunting. Now the government tells me I can't grab my gun and go to an interview? That's a violation of my rights."

It will take time before the Act takes full effect. In this period of ambiguity, many are doing their best to find as many jobs as possible-- increasing the problem. "I've been hired three times in the past week," says Collins. "But the only jobs I was able to find were very small. Most of them paid minimum wage or were part time. Twenty years ago you would catch these jobs and then throw them back."

Fans of smaller government urge Americans to do their part in fixing the problem of over-hunting. Alan Smotts, an activist against government corruption, argues for the small changes we can all make in our day to day lives. "My wife's started raising internships in our backyard. Someday, these positions may become real jobs," the self-motivated guru explained. "I continue to create a healthy habitat by never holding a job in my life."

Though the exact restrictions and limitations have yet to be released, the Senate has issued a statement expressing the severity of violating the Endangered Species Act. According to government sources, the penalty for accepting a job offer includes both a fine of $20,000 and a minimum sentence of 5 years in prison. Hopefully this new legislation will get many of the hard working, job obsessed Americans off the street and in prison where they belong.

Those caught whaling for Sperm Whales will receive a double fine.

Apple, Bullying Will Go Completely Digital by End of School Year

Cupertino, CA-- Just days after the release of the new iPad, Apple CEO Steve Jobs has once again shaken up the tech world by announcing his plan to fully digitize all bullying by 2011.

Citing a massive increase in online harassment, Jobs focused on Apple's understanding of the modern bully. "I was only pretending to be one of those nerds so that I could take all their money," he explained while smoking a cigarette behind Apple Headquarters. "I learned a long time ago I could never build an empire by beating kids up for chump-change."

By the end of the current school year, Apple promises to release new software for the Mac designed specifically for cyber bullying and online harassment. Additionally, they've released plans to start building thicker, heavier laptops in hopes that bullies will use them as weapons on the playground. "The iPad is just a larger version of the iPhone," Jobs explained during the conference for stockholders and cool kids. "So we're highlighting how it hurts twice as much to get hit by one."

Like all new technologies, Apple's latest line of fear-mongering products is not without its skeptics. Apple stockholders were able to voice their reservations after locating Jobs, who had been absent from the Q&A panel. The CEO had stated "So long, losers," before strolling out the back door to smoke a pack of Marlboros. After hearing their criticism and reservations, Jobs tossed his cigarette into the alley and responded, "I'd like to see anyone try and stop me." He then lit up a new cigarette from a box rolled up in his sleeve.

The 2 hour presentation gave insight into what Apple had planned for fans of the brand. In terms of advertisements, Apple will continue with their trademark TV spots and online content to generate buzz for the new products. Effective marketing has long helped Apple maintain a monopoly over computer sales, forcing many smaller, weaker companies off the market. "Our first ad campaign was brilliant," said Jobs after releasing one stockholder from a headlock. "If you don't have an iPod, you're a loser. Isn't that right, loser?"

A clip from the new commercial shown during the conference featured two silouhetted figures punching a smaller figure in the stomach to the tune of U2's "Out of Control."

"For years we've been trying to reach the untapped demographic of schoolyard thugs and jerkoffs," Apple Creative Director Mark Smith commented while scratching his name into a coworker's desk. "Since 2000, we've been able to market our products to the largest demographic of douche bags. Now we're shifting our focus away from artists."

The future promises bullies around the globe will unclench their fists and instead pound the keys on their MacBooks and iMacs. "Sales are expected to start low," says Smith."These delinquents were never going to have the money to buy our products. But for every iPod or iMac they steal out of a locker, that's another iPod bought by the dork's parents."

Eddie Clapp, schoolyard thug and Beta tester of Apple's new online bullying software, gave the new demo of iBully a rave review. "Apple has definitely changed the way I compensate for my own insecurities," Clapp posted on his popular blog 'Bully-tin Board.' "I can tease several kids at the same time, around the country, without leaving detention. And with online translators, I can harass gaywads in Iceland."

iPhone owners will be glad to see an additional setting on the map feature that uses GPS to pinpoint the closest geeks and chart the most effective route for beating them up. "But that's not all. With the calendar app, I can keep track of my schedule," Clapp added. "If I forget that I have a 2:00 swirlie, my iPhone starts to ring like this." To demonstrate, Clapp proceeded to pull the school's fire alarm.

The Apple website now includes a demo of the new iTunes update which will soon allow the transference of money and homework documents between Mac.com accounts. "iTunes already revolutionized the way people listen to stollen music. Now they're taking theft to a whole new level," says Clapp. The 6ft tall third grader went on to explain how iBully allows thugs to rate nerds on their writing/math skills in addition to the amount of cash they carry on the day to day. "It's really streamlined the business. I can initiate a video chat with a client just to call him a stuttering retard-- and then hear him stutter out tears in real time."

Child pyschologist Dr. Ralph Foster explained the negative effects Apple's new products could possibly have on the psyche of adolescents. "The internet is a hotbed for teasing. There are things kids write to each other online that they would never say face to face." Foster worked as an advisor to Apple Inc during the planning stages of the innovative spiteful software. "When Steve came to my office and told me about the project, I was a little hesitant to get involved. But when he pushed me up against the bookcase and held his fist in my face, I became a collaberator."

Foster's reasearch shows that children are more frightened by cyber-bullies than any threats they experience while at school. "I've seen more than 300 children in my practice," Foster explained while writing on a local middle school's messageboard. "And I can assure you that I'd never have had so many clients without spending each lunch break anonymously harassing them on AIM and Facebook."

"By the way, did you know Johnny Fitzgerald wets the bed? What a loser."

For now, bullies will continue with the analog system of pounding the crap out of chumps. However, there's solid reason to believe that fistfights by the flag pole will soon be a thing of the past--with Apple's flag flying free, a symbol of fear in America. Pre-order iBully now for $999.99. Or prepare for Steve Jobs to kick the snot out of you.

Mock Trial Team Acquitted of Rape Charges, Wins Trophy

Pittsburgh, PA -- The Downington High School Mock Trial team won an important case this morning after successfully defending themselves against allegations of rape.

"It really wasn't that difficult of a case," said Brandon Parsons, lead prosecutor and one of the three junior members accused of beating and forcing 19 year old Marisa Donaldson to have intercourse with them.

Police arrested Brandon and his team Tuesday morning after 911 received a terrified call incriminating all three honor students. After spending the night in jail, the Downington team was permitted to change suits before entering the courthouse to act as their own defense.

District Attorney Arnold Nosker was surprised by the Downingtown team's ability to plead their case. In 10 years of working as a prosecutor specializing in adolescent abuse cases, Nosker has successfully brought to justice over 150 criminal deviants. "I agreed to join the prosecution because someone had to lock these monsters up for the horrific things they did to Marisa."

The trial lasted a full two hours, with a break halfway through for lemonade and cookies. Each side was allowed a three minute opening statement along with two cross examinations and a closing statement. Jurors were encouraged to evaluate on poise, style, and whether the defendants had raped Ms. Donaldson.

"There was no question of their guilt," Nosker continued after comforting Marissa, who broke down in tears after hearing the non-guilty verdict. "We had two on scene witnesses to the gang rape." Additionally, Mr. Nosker was able to get Marisa discharged from the hospital to testify on the witness stand. With the help of her nurses, she stood and pointed out all three attackers in the courtroom.

"And still they came out on top. These kids exhibit real talent and may become great lawyers one day."

This is the fourth district competition the team has won, and the third accusation of rape and domestic violence they have been charged with in the last three years. As a result, their ability to put together a strong case has only improved. "During our first trial we made a lot of mistakes," Laura Pacifi explained to local reporters while switching out of her heels into flip flops. "There was a lot more evidence-- bloody clothing, used condoms, and even a videotape of the entire incident."

"But we were freshmen back then. Now the cases usually hinge on witness testimony, and that's easy to poke holes in if you've done your homework." The final score for the case was a 94 out of 100. With strong points for presentation from start to finish, the defense team only lost points for Ms. Donaldson's compelling testimony. "It's a lot easier if the main witness is dead," Laura stated after glaring at her two teammates.

"Which we thought was the case."

High school social studies teacher Robert Falk has been the faculty sponsor for the 'Downingtown High Justice League' for the past five years. Though he has no background as a lawyer, Mr. Falk has received praise for cultivating such a talented group of kids. "They deserve all the credit. I just show up to unlock the classroom."

When asked if he had witnessed any suspicious or disturbing behavior by the accused, Mr. Falk was unsure. "I also coach field hockey so I can't really come to their practices. But now that you mention it, I remember Marissa was supposed to come to my office the day of the attack."

Falk then announced to reporters outside the courtroom that he would treat the team to gelato. Not wanting to play favorites, he also invited Marissa and her family for frozen ice. "It's the least I can do since they also did a great job. I know Marissa pretty well since she's on the field hockey team."

There's no telling what's in store next for the three future lawyers as they continue to overcome increasingly serious felonies. Many Ivy League colleges are already starting to take notice of the bright young stars.

Brandon Parsons received an offer from Cornell after the Downingtown team negotiated Mr. Falk's divorce the previous year, leaving his former wife with absolutely nothing. "I'm really proud of these kids and their interest in the justice system," said Falk before initiating three cheers for the home team. "This was definitely their biggest case yet, so of course I'm glad it came with the biggest trophy."

Once authorities removed their handcuffs, the Downingtown team anxiously high-fived one another and held up their award for local newspapers. "Now that we don't have to go to jail, our team has a real chance of making it all the way to the state competition this year," Parsons told reporters. "Sure, we raped that girl. But our parents are real lawyers. We don't even know what love is."