Detroit, MI -- The American auto industry expects a huge boost this year thanks to new Federal legislation reducing the National driving age from 16 to 5.In 2008, Congress passed a bill authorizing $25 billion in loans for Detroit automakers and several of their suppliers. But that was only to escape a total collapse. The automotive industry needs to change if it's ever going to be profitable again.
Marcus Young, CEO of GM, believes that putting children behind the wheel will do just that.
"Our head of advanced marketing studies used to work at Marlboro. He took some of the old cigarette playbook with him," Marcus explained while holding a press conference in his 2009 Pontiac Coup. "Those guys live by the 'hook em while they're young' philosophy. We all called our buddies in the Senate and had the bill passed the next day."
The video game industry sees millions of dollars quarterly for their racing/driver based games. Now that the minimum age has been lowered, the auto industry could potentially steal all of that revenue. However, there's no guilt felt on the automotive end.
"If kids could just jump in their own cars and race, I doubt they'd still reach for games like Grand Theft Auto. They're doing some great things digitally, but nothing compares to really picking up a hooker. The way her thighs stick to your leather seats in the hot summer night. God, that's something I haven't experienced since the auto industry took a downturn. But for the younger kids, we'll be pushing the whole Mario Kart thing."
Since no other plan has been successful in keeping the industry buoyant, this new marketing scheme is met by little to no opposition. However, initial worries arose over statistics that most children don't have steady incomes, and those that do receive roughly $10 a week for clearing the table. However, new polls indicate a strong consumer desire for cars on Christmas and birthdays.
GM plans to cut production on the majority of their current lineup to instead focus on those appealing to kids. Red Malibu convertibles will see a spike for the girls while an immediate increase in the production of dump trucks will satisfy the boys.
An additional series of cars will be designed specifically for the new elementary school demographic. Flame decals will come standard on all GM hybrids. "They won't be hybrids in the traditional sense since they'll run on diesel," Marcus explained after borrowing $5 for lunch from a reporter. "But GM is trying to market the cars as hybrids of flame-and-car to gullible children."
Unconfirmed sources indicate plans to release a model made entirely out of Legos. If kids become bored with the vehicle, they can turn it into a rocket ship. Although it will no longer function as a car.
Instead of keys, the cars will start when the child's parents slowly start to push on the back bumper. When enough speed is gathered, the children will start to peddle and the parents will let go-- hoping the child can steer until the engine starts.
DVD players and TV screens have consistently appealed to buyers of family vehicles. Kids already can watch Dora the Explorer while riding in the car, but soon they'll be able to do it while driving. Booster seats will now be listed under amenities alongside power windows and leather interiors. Also, GM plans to remove all seat belts from their cars because everyone knows kids hate to wear those and that they're for dorks.
Since 70% of accidents are attributed to drivers between 16 and 18, highway officials question the logic of introducing even younger, "dumber" drivers onto the road. Senator Joe Boverton, an outspoken leader in getting the bill passed, allayed worries by promising new highway legislation. "We plan to lower the speed limit on all roads to 10 mph. Depending on State budgets, bumper lanes will also be constructed on most highways."
When asked how the bill will effect middle class families, Boverton was optimistic. "We're not too worried about lawsuits from parents since airbags have been killing kids for 20 years regardless of where they sit. I'm a family man too and understand your concerns."
"I mean, I just hate picking my kids up from school. Now I won't have to."
Even if short term repercussions are manageable, there's no telling what a boost in automotive sales could do to the planet. "With pollution as bad as it is now these kids weren't going to have a future anyway," the Senator explained. "At least we can include them in some of the blame, before the environment collapses down the road."
It won't be until 2012 when concrete evidence will support or discredit the bill. But as a precaution, future plans to boost vehicle sales will be just as innovative. "We also plan to extend driving licenses to dogs that love to go for rides in the car."When asked how the bill will effect middle class families, Boverton was optimistic. "We're not too worried about lawsuits from parents since airbags have been killing kids for 20 years regardless of where they sit. I'm a family man too and understand your concerns."
"I mean, I just hate picking my kids up from school. Now I won't have to."
Even if short term repercussions are manageable, there's no telling what a boost in automotive sales could do to the planet. "With pollution as bad as it is now these kids weren't going to have a future anyway," the Senator explained. "At least we can include them in some of the blame, before the environment collapses down the road."
Posts
