A three year study from the University of Digestive Science released last Tuesday offers new evidence on the threat of global dietary neglect.According to the investigation's analysis of international health care rates, the duality between insurance expenditures and health care premiums is at an all time wide. The world's population is facing unprecedented levels of obesity and weight induced health complications as we approach the end of the first post-millennial decade.
But were humans ever healthy? The recent unearthing of a one thousand year old food pyramid suggests not.
"For too long we've considered ourselves alone in the universe," says Marcus Hanzshuvel, head of the archaeology department at USC. Marcus lead the team responsible for making the historic discovery. "We have to stop embellishing our importance as a species and start thinking of ourselves as part of a larger, more balanced diet."
The triangular structure was unearthed in the Azuro Canyon in Nevada by Marcus and his archaeological crew last January. "After a few weeks in the lab, we made an incredible discovery. Engraved at the top of the pyramid is a highly detailed portrait of human beings carrying out their day to day rituals. It's amazing to see families from a thousand years ago walking hand in hand."
"At first we believed the paintings could give us hints to their religious belief systems. It seemed that the human world existed peacefully at the top, above an underworld full of cheese, milk, and devils."
Though it is still unclear who built the massive 20,000 stone structure, Dr. Hanzshuvel is sure it wasn't human. "This kind of thinking is beyond our own. Who would have thought people were to be eaten only in moderation? I've studied many of the remaining cannibal nations left in the modern world and let me tell you, all they do is snack."
Proponents of Hanzshuvel's discovery believe the unhealthy composition of human beings to be the reason why the enlightened species died out. No matter how evolved they may have been, it appears that temptation and easy access counteracted their better judgment. "Sure, I can look at a Whopper Jr. and know it's bad for me. But I still eat them. This is the kind of scientific debate they must have had a thousand years ago."
"But with more human screaming," he added. "It's easy to see how we advanced to the top of the food chain when we should never have been anything more than an occasional treat."
Dr. Hanzshuvel continues in his attempt at cracking the secret behind the pyramid thanks to a $200,000 grant from a private donor. "Five years ago we discovered the remains of a gigantic cookie jar filled with human skeletons."
"Now, we know why so many people were left uneaten. You basically fill your required human flesh intake during breakfast alone. That's just not realistic in today's world, nor healthy." More insights into our past dietary values to come-- soon as the team returns from their lunch break.
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