Apple, Bullying Will Go Completely Digital by End of School Year

Cupertino, CA-- Just days after the release of the new iPad, Apple CEO Steve Jobs has once again shaken up the tech world by announcing his plan to fully digitize all bullying by 2011.

Citing a massive increase in online harassment, Jobs focused on Apple's understanding of the modern bully. "I was only pretending to be one of those nerds so that I could take all their money," he explained while smoking a cigarette behind Apple Headquarters. "I learned a long time ago I could never build an empire by beating kids up for chump-change."

By the end of the current school year, Apple promises to release new software for the Mac designed specifically for cyber bullying and online harassment. Additionally, they've released plans to start building thicker, heavier laptops in hopes that bullies will use them as weapons on the playground. "The iPad is just a larger version of the iPhone," Jobs explained during the conference for stockholders and cool kids. "So we're highlighting how it hurts twice as much to get hit by one."

Like all new technologies, Apple's latest line of fear-mongering products is not without its skeptics. Apple stockholders were able to voice their reservations after locating Jobs, who had been absent from the Q&A panel. The CEO had stated "So long, losers," before strolling out the back door to smoke a pack of Marlboros. After hearing their criticism and reservations, Jobs tossed his cigarette into the alley and responded, "I'd like to see anyone try and stop me." He then lit up a new cigarette from a box rolled up in his sleeve.

The 2 hour presentation gave insight into what Apple had planned for fans of the brand. In terms of advertisements, Apple will continue with their trademark TV spots and online content to generate buzz for the new products. Effective marketing has long helped Apple maintain a monopoly over computer sales, forcing many smaller, weaker companies off the market. "Our first ad campaign was brilliant," said Jobs after releasing one stockholder from a headlock. "If you don't have an iPod, you're a loser. Isn't that right, loser?"

A clip from the new commercial shown during the conference featured two silouhetted figures punching a smaller figure in the stomach to the tune of U2's "Out of Control."

"For years we've been trying to reach the untapped demographic of schoolyard thugs and jerkoffs," Apple Creative Director Mark Smith commented while scratching his name into a coworker's desk. "Since 2000, we've been able to market our products to the largest demographic of douche bags. Now we're shifting our focus away from artists."

The future promises bullies around the globe will unclench their fists and instead pound the keys on their MacBooks and iMacs. "Sales are expected to start low," says Smith."These delinquents were never going to have the money to buy our products. But for every iPod or iMac they steal out of a locker, that's another iPod bought by the dork's parents."

Eddie Clapp, schoolyard thug and Beta tester of Apple's new online bullying software, gave the new demo of iBully a rave review. "Apple has definitely changed the way I compensate for my own insecurities," Clapp posted on his popular blog 'Bully-tin Board.' "I can tease several kids at the same time, around the country, without leaving detention. And with online translators, I can harass gaywads in Iceland."

iPhone owners will be glad to see an additional setting on the map feature that uses GPS to pinpoint the closest geeks and chart the most effective route for beating them up. "But that's not all. With the calendar app, I can keep track of my schedule," Clapp added. "If I forget that I have a 2:00 swirlie, my iPhone starts to ring like this." To demonstrate, Clapp proceeded to pull the school's fire alarm.

The Apple website now includes a demo of the new iTunes update which will soon allow the transference of money and homework documents between Mac.com accounts. "iTunes already revolutionized the way people listen to stollen music. Now they're taking theft to a whole new level," says Clapp. The 6ft tall third grader went on to explain how iBully allows thugs to rate nerds on their writing/math skills in addition to the amount of cash they carry on the day to day. "It's really streamlined the business. I can initiate a video chat with a client just to call him a stuttering retard-- and then hear him stutter out tears in real time."

Child pyschologist Dr. Ralph Foster explained the negative effects Apple's new products could possibly have on the psyche of adolescents. "The internet is a hotbed for teasing. There are things kids write to each other online that they would never say face to face." Foster worked as an advisor to Apple Inc during the planning stages of the innovative spiteful software. "When Steve came to my office and told me about the project, I was a little hesitant to get involved. But when he pushed me up against the bookcase and held his fist in my face, I became a collaberator."

Foster's reasearch shows that children are more frightened by cyber-bullies than any threats they experience while at school. "I've seen more than 300 children in my practice," Foster explained while writing on a local middle school's messageboard. "And I can assure you that I'd never have had so many clients without spending each lunch break anonymously harassing them on AIM and Facebook."

"By the way, did you know Johnny Fitzgerald wets the bed? What a loser."

For now, bullies will continue with the analog system of pounding the crap out of chumps. However, there's solid reason to believe that fistfights by the flag pole will soon be a thing of the past--with Apple's flag flying free, a symbol of fear in America. Pre-order iBully now for $999.99. Or prepare for Steve Jobs to kick the snot out of you.