Weymouth, Ma -- In honor of St. Patrick's Day, the town of Weymouth, Massachusetts, has reprogrammed all of its local traffic lights to remain green from 12AM this morning to 11:59PM tonight. The decision is overwhelmingly backed by the Weymouth County police force, whose spokesperson Sergeant Patrick Kerrigan assured locals, "There are going to be car accident on March 17th regardless of traffic signals. The least we can do is give the cars a festive spin as they roll into oncoming traffic."
Though unprecedented, the suspension of both red and yellow traffic signals is heavily supported by the community. Weymouth has a long heritage of Irish citizens that goes deeper than most of the surrounding districts. "Sure we're the longest and go the deepest," Sergeant Kerrigan added. "But let's talk outside the bedroom. All of our cops are Irish, so we expect the majority of the force to be drunk by 12:00PM. "
The Weymouth force promises that a small contingent of officers who claim I can drive better because I am a little buzzed will patrol in two hour shifts. However, the on-duty units are expected to offer little to no measurable support. Their primary focus will be setting up blockades at major intersections. Drunk drivers will be let off with a warning, while those found not wearing green will be pinched.
The overall hope is that by reducing the number of illegal activities there will be en equal decline in arrests. But if crowds become too violent, officers will need to intervene and restore the peace. Instead of tear gas and beanbag guns, Sargent Kerrigan has authorized the use of potato guns and potato bazookas. If that doesn't work, the Weymouth County Police Department will resort to buying everyone another round.
Weymouth County's record of drunk-driving related accidents sees no increase around the holidays. The town's vehicular homicide rate remains higher than year-round national figures, which is no surprise since Weymouth inflates the national rate merely by its inclusion in the average. The same is true of alcohol sales and furry green hat revenue.
This mixed blessing frees them politically to celebrating events like St. Patrick's Day in their own way. The town council upholds the rights of its citizens to celebrate festivities and religious ceremonies without government intrusion, though state-employees are left to repair damages with taxpayer money.
"They do their best to clean up the mess no later than the day after," council committee member Brian Walsh explained while drinking a beer on Main Street. "Whether that means sweeping away confetti from Chinese New Year or removing cars wrapped around trees."
"It does put a hinder on Arbor Day. But all the flowers that have been planted as memorials help us break even."
With increasing pressure to uphold more if not all of the state driving and public disorder standards, this may be the last year Weymouth bends the law for the holidays. "It's really a shame," Sergeant Kerrigan told police as they questioned him outside his home regarding a domestic abuse complaint. "We're just trying to celebrate a holiday that's very important to us. And gosh, my wife will tell you how beautiful the town looks around St. Patrick's Day."
"The four-way traffic intersections are the best," Mrs. Kerrigan explained. "They look just like four-leafed clovers. And yes, I fell down the stairs." The domestic abuse accusation was dismissed.
It remains to be seen whether the green light instillations are a success. Normally when there are drunk-driving casualties the police force is blamed for not doing enough to prevent such collisions. However, many officers fear that if there are no accidents at all on the 17th the community will just chalk it up to the luck of the Irish. The Weymouth police force's best bet is to throw back a few drinks and meet some women. That is, if their ex-wives are not at the bar playing darts with some guy whose got no idea what he's in for.
"This town really cares about the holiday," Sergeant Kerrigan explained while conducting donut holes in the parking lot of the old Middle School building. "We've been seeing green all year, and not just from the bribes we receive." Though next year brings uncertainty, the Weymouth Police force has big plans for the remainder of 2010. "We already got a guy fixing the lights to switch between red and green for Christmas."
"But since we are a diverse community, we will also install a new fourth blue traffic light for Hanukkah."
Posts
