Washington, DC -- As employment rates continue to plummet, the Senate took immediate action this morning to preserve the remaining Jobs by adding them to the Federal Endangered Species Act.By offering Managerial Positions the same protective rights as those granted to the Sperm Whale or Spanish Lynx, the Senate hopes to preserve job opportunities for future generations.
"Twenty years ago the job field was plentiful," New Hampshire Senator Jack Johnson stated at Grover Cleveland Elementary School's Career Day. Johnson explained to his Nephew's third grade class how under the agreement, the Senate will retract all privileges by employers to receive resumes or hold interviews. "We're gonna stop all hiring for ten years in hopes that the number of jobs will repopulate itself over time. That's the wonderful thing about this planet-- all of its resources are renewable."
Though the decision is a step in the right direction, it is unclear exactly what's causing the rapid drop in gainful employment opportunities. Career aptitude engineer Dr. Robert Edens fears the government's actions ignore the true problem facing the job population. "We've been trying for years to preserve the number of available jobs by increasing the standards for applicants," the doctor explained while updating his eBay store. "First a candidate had to have a high school diploma. Then a college degree was required."
"There are also less obvious government restrictions,"Dr. Eden added, "Like having to be a white male." In the past two decades, the majority of companies releasing new positions into the market have requested a resume of related experiences. Many ask perspective candidates to fulfill a background check. "It's all about making it seem like too much work to find work."
But it's not about too many applicants anymore. Reports indicate that even with hunting restrictions placed on the unemployed, there's a strong chance that the number of available jobs will not rise. The inconvenient truth is that there just aren't enough jobs available for people to go hunting whenever they get laid off. Most will have to resort to part-time or even volunteer work during what used to be open season.
The general concern is that many employers don't understand how to protect the population of jobs out there. During layoffs, companies fire as many people as necessary to conserve budgets. Instead of letting the jobs mature and attract resumes, they pass the responsibilities on to another department. This causes bloated, unnatural positions to contaminate the job market. The average job has a lifespan of three years, National Geographic Magazine reports. Around that point, the employee is fired and the position is terminated all together.
"The way it used to be is that the number of necessary jobs would increase as companies grew. But nowadays corporations just buy each other instead of branching out and expanding," Dr. Eden added. "This type of incestuous coupling results in no practical career offspring."
Originally it was speculated to be the headhunters' fault since these predators spend all of their time trying to fill positions as soon as they open. Though they are caught poaching outside of office buildings and hanging around job fairs, their role in the crisis is actually very minimal. The truth behind the recent drop in jobs isn't that they're getting taken too quickly. It's because the jobs themselves are disappearing.
"It's similar to how America's honeybees are mysteriously vanishing," says Dr. Eden. "Except people care."
Still, the decision on how to preserve the job market remains heated. Michigan Senator Robert Wise supported the Act, but feels there's an even greater need for stricter control over career development. "Sure, it's important to produce great lines of work on our soil," he explained to freelance reporters. "But we can't stop selling our jobs to other countries. 'Employment' is America's national crop. It's our primary export."
The Senator urged Americans to show restraint when looking for new work. "If you've had a job in the last ten years, then you've had your fair share. We've made it nearly impossible to come out of retirement by increasing technology well above the heads of anyone over 40. And as for young adults, there was a time when fathers would hire sons and pass the companies down to them. I say less sons and more corporate buyouts."
Even with support from the Senate, the decision to outlaw hiring will not go over well with the millions of Americans desperately looking for employment. "I can't provide for my family without a job," says recently laid off Bostonian Mike Collins. "My resume and cover letter used to guarantee me a license to go job hunting. Now the government tells me I can't grab my gun and go to an interview? That's a violation of my rights."
It will take time before the Act takes full effect. In this period of ambiguity, many are doing their best to find as many jobs as possible-- increasing the problem. "I've been hired three times in the past week," says Collins. "But the only jobs I was able to find were very small. Most of them paid minimum wage or were part time. Twenty years ago you would catch these jobs and then throw them back."
Fans of smaller government urge Americans to do their part in fixing the problem of over-hunting. Alan Smotts, an activist against government corruption, argues for the small changes we can all make in our day to day lives. "My wife's started raising internships in our backyard. Someday, these positions may become real jobs," the self-motivated guru explained. "I continue to create a healthy habitat by never holding a job in my life."
Though the exact restrictions and limitations have yet to be released, the Senate has issued a statement expressing the severity of violating the Endangered Species Act. According to government sources, the penalty for accepting a job offer includes both a fine of $20,000 and a minimum sentence of 5 years in prison. Hopefully this new legislation will get many of the hard working, job obsessed Americans off the street and in prison where they belong.
Those caught whaling for Sperm Whales will receive a double fine.
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