Reports following the weekly Schwann family meeting in Naperville, Illinois, indicate major corporate shake ups at the North Pole. Unexpected layoffs occurred in Santa's workshop, postponing the Christmas holiday indefinitely.This announcement comes just one week after Bob Schwann lost his sales position at the Saab dealership two blocks from the Schwann's single level home. Although the incidents are unrelated, they both will take a major toll this holiday season.
"It looks like they're completely cleaning house, not like Mommy does, but restaffing from the top," Bob Schwann, patriarch, told his family. Aware that his children were disappointed by the news and fiscal market, Bob grabbed a cookie and motioned for his children to come closer. "Santa's not dead," he assured them. "He's just unemployed."
"Same thing," Mrs. Schwann added, holding her third drink since dinner. Bob grimaced over at his wife of 17 years, then proceeded to break the cookie in half and hug his children--conserving both food rations and heat. "Even Santa's not immune to the current weakened economy. Companies are looking for ways to cut costs and fast. What's important now is that we have each other. You won't need new toys since Daddy will be home every day."
After a further discussion of Liberal economic policies and the legalities of unemployment, Mr. Schwann kissed his children good night and proceeded to lay a blanket and pillow on the sofa for himself. No longer burdened by the demands of a high sales quota, Mr. Schwann was finally free to pursue his dreams. He was spotted days later by his children spending most of his time playing with toys in their former playroom, which he had recently converted into a home office.
After several weeks with no job in sight, there was speculation in the household that Mr. Herbert would become the next Santa Claus. "His belly's getting bigger everyday since he stopped leaving the house to go to work," Marie Schwann, 5, giggled. "I don't know how he's going to squeeze down the chimney, but he did say things would be getting tight around here." In addition to the recent weight gain, Mr. Schwann's beard had doubled in size. It was now remiscent of old Chris Cringle-- a mixture of gray from stress and white from dried flakey clumps of eggnog.
The Santa theory continued to gain support after piles and piles of letters began to stack up on Mr. Schwann's desk marked Urgent or Final Notice. "Kids are sending their wish lists to Daddy," Martha Schwann explained, her lips blue. "It's even starting to feel like the North Pole around here." The heating had been shut off Friday.
Though he at times could be heard throwing his children's toys against the wall in what seemed like hopeless frustration, Bob Schwann would always be spotted the next morning putting the toys back together piece by piece with glue. "Just like Santa," Marie Schwann added. "He's practicing."
It wasn't until April that Mr. Schwann finally returned to work-- but not at the North Pole. Dressed in a rabbit suit and carrying an oversized rabbit's head under his arm, he was dropped off in the parking lot of the Naperville Mall by the recently divorced Mrs. Schwann, now going by Ms. Herbert.
"It turns out my Dad is actually the Easter Bunny," Marie explained while coloring in the waiting room of the Naperville Welfare office. "Which makes sense since we've been eating nothing but boiled eggs for two months."
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