Baltimore, Maryland – Dan Annegarn, 33, was greeted this Valentine’s Day by a pink note of mysterious origin left on his desk. Having spent most of the morning trying to think of a single reason to get out of bed, Dan admitted that this spontaneous act of kindness came as quite a surprise. “I’ve never had a Valentine before. The note was in an easily noticeable location, folded in half and placed gingerly atop my keyboard. Whoever left it wanted me to read it as soon as I got in.”“But I decided to save it for later. This is the first time in a long time that I’ve had anything to look forward to. Actually, it is the first time.”
Though Valentine’s Day is widely considered a holiday taken to heart by single men and women more than those standing to benefit from the occasion, Dan commented that the holiday was “no worse than any other day” in what he called “this pointless, painful life.”
His opinion was quickly altered upon learning of his secret admirer. Dan spent the rest of the day smiling at each and every one of his co-workers, unsure of who had left the message. “I made sure to greet everyone in the office and wish them a happy Valentine’s Day. I even made intermittent eye contact when I spoke and kept my fingers out of my mouth, mostly.”
“I’ve never seen him this happy,” says Donna Rusbear, Dan’s boss of ten years. “And on Valentine’s Day no less. I didn’t see a way things could get better for him, but I think he’s going to be all right.”
“Boy will I ever,” Dan responded. “I have someone who loves me. A body to hold at night—one that’s warm and can hold me too.”
With no new clients assigned to him in the last month, Dan spent the day looking for clues to the identity of his secret admirer. “It didn’t smell like anyone in the office,” he said, the note held firmly to his nose. “But these are the only people I know, so it has to be one of them.”
“Or two of them,” he smiled, speaking in all seriousness.
At five o’clock the office began to clear out as many of the older employees left to attend plans with their wives and husbands. The workday was quickly coming to a close, but Dan remained patient. “I’ve been waiting for her my whole life. What’s five more minutes? She’s probably shy. I’ll give her another chance.”
“Something no one in my life has ever given me.”
Word spread through the office of a group gathering for drinks after work. Everyone without Valentine’s Day plans was encouraged to attend. Dan decided to join them—something he had never done before. “I feel like I’m a new me. But the scars on my wrists indicate otherwise."
His coworkers were relieved to see him come out; unaware that Dan was merely using them to make contact with his new girlfriend. “She’s running out of time. At first I thought it was Carroll since she invited me. She even asked if I received the note.”
“But when I held up the Valentine, she just shook her head and said she was sorry.”
Several coworkers met Dan and Caroll at “Gatsby’s,” a pub down the street from work. Three rounds were bought and everyone enjoyed themselves, unaffected by the lack of romance in their lives. “I was once like them,” Dan smiled. “Earlier today, in fact.”
At the end of the night, Dan received a large envelope addressed to him from everyone in the office. “Two valentines in one day? My luck’s really turned around.” The group remained together until the parking lot, where everyone said good-bye. “I got really confused when everyone hugged me good night. They were all finally taking notice of Dan. Could they tell my Penis had grown two inches since taking the enhancements?”
Left alone in the parking lot to wait for his mother’s car, Dan contemplated the evening. “Clever, clever. She obviously wanted me to approach her, but I didn’t feel comfortable in front of everyone in the office. It would have been so embarrassing if I guessed wrong and approached someone who wasn’t in love with me. So I handed out my mother’s phone number and my email address to everyone, asking them to ‘contact me soon’,” he said with a wink. “Everyone promised to keep in touch,” he continued to wink.
At home, Dan refreshed his email every two minutes for over an hour. He also managed to convince his mother to let him keep the cordless phone in his room, even though she was expecting a call from two of Dan’s former classmates that she was now seeing. After finally deciding to open the letter, the mystery was solved.
“The letter was from Donna. She informed me that my position was no longer available and that I was being let go.”
A funeral service for Dan will be held this Sunday for friends and family.
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