New Haven, CT - Newly discovered periodical reveals Graham's telephone was leaked to the public a full six months before its actual release date in April, 1876.The source of this finding is an incredibly well preserved newspaper that was unearthed last Tuesday by archaeologists from Fairfield University. Dr. Ralph Enterlin, head of the excavation team, examined the document and confirmed its legitimacy.
"What we have here is indisputable proof that Alexander Graham Bell slipped up," Enterlin stated over a phone interview from his lab. "Who would have imagined that the world's most influential communication device had at one point been carelessly left behind by Bell's drunken assistant?"
The article indicates that Thomas Watson left the prototype behind at Finnegan's Tavern on March 13th, 1876 after the first telephone exchange had been a success. "It was definitely a major achievement worth celebrating," Enterlin explained. "Watson was most likely shit-faced by the end of the night. We have reason to assume he accidentally forgot to slip the 15 pound device back into his coat pocket before paying his tab."
William Adams, a regular tavern patron and pig farmer, found the device after Watson hailed a horse and buggy home. He assumed it to be a sausage grinder. After several failed attempts at grinding sausage, Adams gave the instrument a closer look and discovered it was not a sausage grinder at all.
"I had enjoyed quite a few alcoholic beverages prior to finding Graham's telephone," the periodical indicates Adams told reporters. "But when I found the number 2 written on the doodad's side, I whimsically opted to rotate the dial to the number 1. What fun! At that point, a voice answered and spoke, 'Watson. Come here. I want you.' I was flabbergasted!"
"I'm not that much of a tech person," Adams went on to explain. "So I immediately tried to smash the device as an abomination against God." According to the record, several men held Adams back while he cursed and threw bottles at the telephone. "I was in a frenzy, but several minutes later I knew I had to have one."
Thomas Rockwell, technology reporter and candlestick maker, had the pleasure of investigating Graham's invention before it was returned to Bell's study the following morning. "It was the dead of night when I heard quite a clamor upon my doorstep. I had recently finished my review of Melville Bissell's Carpet Sweeper and thought nothing could boggle thy mind as much as that machine when this new invention crossed my desk."
After investigating the invention, Rockwell recorded several notes in his journal on the telephone's structure and possible applications. "It truly is a work of genius far beyond anything we as a society have ever created nor imagined," he confidently stated. "But for some reason I was quite disappointed to learn that the phone did not have a built in camera--a delightful device invented a few days prior."
Although Graham's design lacked a flash bulb or lens, the telephone did feature both the ability to make calls in addition to receive calls. "The electrical speech machine will revolutionize how we use speech machines--which up until this point have not existed."
This discovery challenges many accepted beliefs about the pioneering of the world's first vocal communication device. "Normally Graham was very secretive about his work," Enterlin explained. "Whether or not he purposefully revealed his findings early remains unclear. What we do know is that nobody was buying Morse Code machines after that."
"Which really pissed off Morse," Enterlin added. Alexander Graham Bell was gracious to receive his invention back. He did, however, refuse to make any comments before first building an additional telephone to call his lawyer.
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