President Obama held a meeting this morning in response to the mauling death of SeaWorld animal trainer Dawn Brancheau. Her story became famous on February 25th after she was attacked and killed by her long time Killer Whale partner "Tillikum."
The conference resulted in the creation of a new committee responsible for renaming several animals to adequately express their threat level.
"We now realize that the name 'Killer Whale' fails to imply what this animal is capable of," the president's press secretary Robert Gibbs explained. "We've assembled a team of biologists and language experts in hopes that a new name can be discovered. One that expresses that this whale is in fact a killer."
The team will have full access to the Library of Congress' collection of Zoobooks and a Federal budget of 2.4 million dollars at their disposal. Dr. Mitchell Hanson, linguistic expert and lexicographer, has been selected to lead the committee and promises that a new name will be finalized by the end of the year.
"A lot of research is required before any decisions can be made. The new name must be something that makes it clear, without a doubt, that you are dealing with a wild animal. An aquatic mammal who at any moment could choose not to jump through a hoop and instead drag you to the bottom of the tank to feast on your innards." Obama's decision to take drastic action has not come without its opponents though.
"My job plays an important part in maintaining our national security," Dr. Hanson said in response to criticism of his allegedly inflated Federal budget. This is not the first time the doctor's research has come under scrutiny. Nor is it the first occasion in which the US Government has called upon him to reevaluate dated Zoology.
"During the Reagan administration I was responsible for the renaming the Galeocerdo Cuvier, or what you now call the Tiger Shark. But people still don't realize that we're talking about a shark with the killing force of a tiger here."
"Tiger of course meaning 'Land Barracuda'. Linguistics are our only defense against such beasts. Every time a performer dies while straddling an animal in front of a large crowd, it's the education system's fault. We are simply not tough enough in naming some of the planet's most viscous killers. "
After receiving a five year grant in South Africa, Dr. Hanson worked with local wild life resource centers to develop a new animal safety campaign and rename several native species. "The major problem with Hippopotamus is that you're dead before you've even finished screaming its name. Tell me that's not preventable."
The death rate overall in South Africa has dropped a full 23% after several of his proposed name changes took effect. "By adding King to the front of Cobra, you have an animal whose name implies it has the strength of an entire nation's army at its disposal. Is that something you would try and pick up with your hands?"
Domestically, Hanson's work goes largely unnoticed. "We may still call them Lions in America, but I'm sure the name 'Nothing like Lion King,' will catch on in the states as well."
Some argue that renaming the animals is unnecessary, and that these changes do nothing to alter the nature of the beasts. But recent internet poles indicate strong support to rename the dangerous whale. "RenameThatWhale.com," a voting site created shortly after Brancheau's death, allows individuals to suggest and vote on a new name for the Killer Whale
The current leader is "Murder King Whale of Death," a campaign largely supported by Mothers Across America.
Although they're primarily concerned with renaming the Killer Whale, the committee will also review several other animals with a recent history of violence. "Elephants will be renamed Stomps while Crocodiles will now be referred to as Chomps," promises Hanson. Others on the agenda include Panda, Red Panda, Grizzly Bear, and Jellyfish. "We hope to rename nearly every animal in the English language by 2012."
"With one exception," he added. "We've decided to leave Black Bear the way it is."
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